Turning 31: A Birthday Mindset Shift

I turned 31 this last week, and like every year, birthdays stir up a mix of emotions for me. This post is part birthday reflection and part birthday celebration.

Birthdays never sit well with my soul. It’s ironic because I absolutely adore celebrating people on their birthdays, I’m just not the biggest fan of my own! I truly believe that we should be grateful for any and all trips we get around the sun. So what gives?

I am often reminded by friends and foes that I’m “ambitious”. I’ve heard the words thrown at me many times, usually with a negative connotation, but occasionally with an undertone of awe. Sometimes, someone even says, “I wish I was brave enough to do that”.

That surprises me, because I wouldn’t consider myself brave. Bravery is being afraid and doing it anyway – and trust me when I tell you that I hold myself back from plenty of things out of fear.

Maybe the only difference between me and them, is what those fears are. Yes, I am afraid of a lot of things, but I’m substantially more afraid of what I won’t accomplish in my time here on earth, and that ensures that I’m always looking for what’s next and how much more I could/should be doing.

This is why my birthday always makes me uncomfortable. Birthdays for me have always been a reminder of what I hadn’t accomplished yet.

It is true that I am ambitious, a dreamer.
It’s a challenge to be those things.
It’s hard because the bigger your dreams are, the more ambitious your goal, the easier it is to be disappointed.

By the time I turned 31, I thought I would have had my Opry debut. I thought I’d be better at guitar, have a song on the radio, go on tour, and make a lot more money than I do now. I thought I would be thinner, stronger, wiser, and better at doing my own hair and makeup.

It’s hard for my birthday to not remind me of what I had hoped for myself.

I’m working on reframing my mindset on it, but it’s challenging. I know that for all the things I haven’t accomplished, there are plenty of things that I have.

So while my 31st birthday reminded me of dreams I haven’t reached yet, I also want it to give me a chance to reflect on the things I have accomplished. Here are some life wins I’m proud of from the last 30 or so years…

1. 1. I’ve written a lot of songs, and even put a handful of them out into the world.
   2. I’ve gotten paid to sing. That in itself makes me really proud – but I’ve also got to sing at some really cool places. I’ve sung at weddings, fairs, family reunions, bars, casinos, breweries, wineries, on broadway in Nashville… That’s all pretty cool.
   3. I bought a house! I’ve always wanted to have my own home to turn it into a cozy space the way that I want it. I’ve got that cute and cozy house, and I’m slowly and surely decorating it in a way that makes my soul smile. 
   4. I have read a lot of books. I love reading and I’m proud that I continue to make time for reading, which brings me so much joy. I’ve read about 70 books so far this year… yay me! P.S one time in grade school, a teacher called my mom and told her that I was lying. The teacher didn’t believe me that I had read over 100 books during that school year. My teacher was wrong, I was the kid that would read in the morning, while walking to school, during class (hidden behind my textbook), walking home from school, and then stay up all night ( #insomnia ) under my blankets in bed. 
   5. I forgive. I am proud of this, because for a good chunk of my adolescence I would and could hold a grudge like no other. I realized my senior year of high school that no one cared if I was mad, sad, or angry and that my grudges were really only hurting me. I made a conscious decision after that -to let it all go. It just wasn’t worth it to hold onto the things that hurt me.
   6.  I love loudly. If I care about you, you’ll know it. I’ll tell you I do, and I’ll probably write you a love letter about it. I’ve gotten so much more comfortable handing out my love like a candy at a parade – a little for you, a little for you, a lot for you… here just take the whole bag. I used to be so much more picky about who I would let myself care about- and I realized I have so much love to give so I didn’t have to keep it hidden.
   7. I respond a lot more than I react. . . okay so hear me out – I still react. I come from a family of highly reactive people. However, I have practiced and have done a lot of self-work on hearing something, taking a minute, and responding with something thoughtful or with patience, instead of always going zero to 100 in the snap of a finger. I’m still working on this – and there are definitely times I could be better, but I can confidently say that when someone comes to me with critique, I can maintain my composure. I can actually take a moment to process what they’re saying, and respond professionally or more mildly than I would have in my youth. 
   8. I have become quite the chef in the kitchen if I do say so myself. My spice cabinet is overflowing, we’re an “ingredient” household, and it ain’t no thang for me to whip up a meal or a snack. Who has the patience to measure and use recipes? Not this girl. I measure with my heart and soul – but listen, it always tastes good..